


I Should Have Known

by reaperlove



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, graphic description of a corpse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5394626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reaperlove/pseuds/reaperlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It should have been a sort of family bonding experience. He should have been there to protect her. But he failed and nothing's ever going to be good again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Should Have Known

**Author's Note:**

> I deeply apologize for all the hurt. You should probably go and read something else. I won't hold it against you!

Dean stared down at the fragile body. This shouldn’t be how he remembered her, brilliant memories forever stained with blood and pain. Whoever compared death to a long sleep had never looked into a face like hers. There was no peace, no calm. Just pure fear and horror, forever etched into her once innocent features.

 

He didn’t dare, didn’t deserve to look away, he made himself drink in every last detail. Bright, blonde hair now a dull crimson mess, deep blue eyes gone dim and cold, full lips frozen in a permanent cry for help no one had answered. Her whole torso had been ripped open, flesh and bones violently torn apart. He realized with a new wave of nausea clashing over him that her heart was missing. Something had fed on her and then literally thrown her away like trash, depositing her body in a garbage dumpster.

 

“Claire.” It was all he managed to choke out. He stood there, unmoving, only half aware of the rapidly approaching footsteps.

 

“Dean! What’s wrong? Did you find anything?” The footsteps came to an abrupt halt.

 

Like him, Castiel had been searching for Claire for two days. She went missing on a hunt. A hunt Dean had assured Cas would be safe to bring her along. It was supposed to be her introduction to the family business.

 

After Cas and Dean had officially come out as a couple, they’d gone on more and more hunts together. Claire had begged them to join many times and had always been struck down by Cas who’d feared for her life. It’d been Dean who convinced him otherwise. Claire was like a daughter to both of them and when she’d set her mind to something, she wouldn’t let go. He’d insisted to go along on her first hunt, to make sure she wouldn’t get hurt. He had failed her miserably.

 

They had hunted down a couple of werewolves, Claire had turned out to be a fierce, skilled fighter and they celebrated afterwards. He’d been so sure they hadn’t missed anything, so full of hubris that he’d dismissed Castiel’s suggestion to do one last sweep of the perimeter. 

Instead he’d told Claire it’d be okay to go out alone and have some fun, leave her guardians behind in the motel for some “we time”. Claire had made a retching sound, rolled her eyes and flipped them the bird before she went out into the night, out to get tracked and killed by the surviving wolf.

 

Dean couldn’t stop thinking that while he had let Cas fuck him in the shower, Claire had pleaded for her live. While they had traded lazy kisses, their daughter died alone, surrounded only by last week’s kitchen waste and dirty rats.

 

Unable to form the right words, if there were any, he turned around to Cas and held him tight by his shoulders.

 

“Cas, please, don’t look. I...I found her and- ” his voice was barely a whisper as he continued. “I’m so sorry Cas, so sorry. It’s too late, you can’t do anything for her. Just stop, please, I don’t want you to see her like that.”

 

Cas had turned into ice under his hands. “I don’t care what you want!” he screamed and pushed Dean aside. He leaned over the rim of the dumpster. Without hesitation he jumped inside, waded through open plastic bags spilling rotten food, his focus solely on Claire’s still form. He picked her up and cradled her into his arms. 

 

“No, no, no, baby, please, no. I love you, please don’t leave me. I’m so sorry.” He kept on repeating the same words over and over again, rocking back and forth, clinging to Clair’s cold body.

 

Dean had lost all sense of time. he didn’t know how long he’d been standing there, frozen, listening to Cas, not able to offer any form of comfort. They had lost her and it was his fault, what could he possibly say that would mean anything. When the sun crept up over the horizon he finally moved.

 

“Cas. Cas, baby, please, we have to leave. We’ll take her with us. The police can’t find her. We’ll give her a decent goodbye, just let me help you carry her out.”

 

“Don’t touch her!” Cas hissed and slowly rocked back, still holding on to Claire. He managed to lift her out of the dumpster, wrapped her into a blanket Dean had gotten out of the car and carried her to the Impala. He gingerly placed her onto the backseat, got in and lay her covered head down on his lap. 

 

They drove in total silence back to the motel, where Cas reluctantly stepped out of the car and followed Dean inside their room.

 

“I know it’s all my fault, Cas. I… I didn’t mean to put her in danger. I should have known, oh god, I killed her!” His voice was shrill now, tears springing to his eyes. He pulled at his hair and continued pleading. “I screwed up and she paid the price. She didn’t deserve this! Cas, I’m so…”

 

“Enough!” Cas cut him off sternly and walked over to where he was pacing back and forth on the dirty linoleum. He gripped him by his shirt and brought their faces close together. His eyes were gleaming with hate and grief. 

 

“Not a single word more! I’m telling you now what’s going to happen and then I don’t want to talk to you ever again. I take Claire and the car back to the bunker. Sam will help me with the funeral pyre, I know she would’ve wanted that. I’ll pack my things and leave and you will not try to find me. I want you to leave me the fuck alone.” He let go of the shirt and took a step back. 

 

“Perhaps Hester was right, your very touch corrupts. Death and despair keep following you, Dean. I don’t care if you didn’t mean to. I don’t…” Every word was like a dagger, cutting wounds deep into him that would never heal. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive you. The next time you die, you deserve to go to hell.”

 

Cas turned around and left without looking back. Dean slowly slid down to his knees, the very will to live bleeding out of him. His eyes squeezed shut, he leaned his head back on his shoulders and let out a desperate cry for forgiveness no one would ever hear.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to apologize again, especially to CopaceticBrainBox : Sorry I made you read this and thank you again and again for helping me! 
> 
> Please check out spncoldesthits.tumblr.com and all the other contributions to the December edition of the Coldest Hits Challenge "Destiel trash af!"
> 
> Oh, I stole the title from a Foo Fighters song, please don't sue me!
> 
> Don't bother leaving a kudos or a comment, I'm perfectly fine without any of this, thank you! But visit me on [tumblr](http://reaperlove77.tumblr.com/)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Your Very Touch Corrupts (Tribute Fanart)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5412068) by [Angrysouffle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angrysouffle/pseuds/Angrysouffle)




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